Full-colour Pride

I'm trying to reflect on my first day at Pride, and finding it quite difficult.  I was quite emotional this morning, while walking around the Civic Centre in San Francisco, and I'm not sure why.  It's not like I haven't faced all of my own demons, and come to terms with who I am. I am comfortable in my sexuality, my faith, and my identity.

Still ... it was that positive an experience, being surrounded by literally every outfit, shape, colour, size, height, gender, sexual orientation or gender expression, where everyone was comfortable, interacting positively and affirming of each other ... that I found myself close to tears a few times.  The rest of the time, I was wandering around with a grin on my face.

I saw Trans people, drag kings and queens, people wearing nothing, some guy wearing a single gold sock (not on his feet), goths, families with kids (dressed in rainbow colours), people in tutus, people with body painting, people wearing masks, people holding hands, dancing together, commercial sponsors affirming their customer base (no doubt for financial impact, but still positive and more than many commercial enterprises do), religious groups interacting in a positive and affirming way, and equal rights campaigners.

I'm guessing that some of my more conservative Christian counterparts may struggle to be exposed to someone wearing a gold sock, or even see the naturism stall, but none of it came across as sordid.  It wasn't about sex ... it was about variety, about expression, about identity and about acceptance.

Again, it seems to be highlighting to me how important it is that we not try to force people to separate their personal identity from their working or worshipping lives.  That fragments people and causes wounding and stress.  When we allow them to be whole in every sphere, they flourish, and as a result - our communities and our faith communities can flourish, too.

I reflected with Paul, an Episcopalian priest, the other day, that for many years of my life, I approached prayer and my relationship with God as an imperfect straight man with something to be ashamed of and to hide.  When I decided to change that, and approach God as a gay man, thankful for the gift of my sexuality, and learned to relate to God as a gay man, it was a profound moment of watershed in my life, and a real marker in my own healing process.

If we allow people to come to worship as themselves ... with their partners, their whole lives, then they can truly be who they were created to be!

And I haven't even moved on to the afternoon in Mission Dolores Park yet ...

The gathering at Mission Dolores was a warm-up for the San Francisco Dyke March towards the Castro.  It ran all day, with the march beginning around 6pm.  I got there at around 3.30pm and the first thing that struck me at Mission Dolores, was the large number of people ... I think estimating in excess of 30,000 would not be far off the mark (although my counting ability is impeded by a lack of attention span ... 1,2,3,4,5,10 ... lots!).

Again, there were people of every shape, colour, size, gender, gender identity, gender preference, sexual orientation, culture and race.  They came on foot, on crutches, in wheelchairs, on mobility scooters, skateboards, stilts, inline skates (and electric bicycles!). The noise was incredible, but everybody was happy.  People were picnicking, catching up with friends, sitting with families, making new friends, buying food, dancing, raising awareness of campaigns & community groups.  It was called a Dyke march, but it was equally well supported by gay and straight men, straight women and trans men & women.  Again, people were wearing (or not wearing) all sorts, but the focus seemed to be on celebrating being together as a community.

The celebrations seemed heavily influenced by the recent ruling on Equal Marriage in California, and people were happy to gather together and rejoice that they had a future.  That's almost too heavy a concept to type quickly ... how different the atmosphere would've been if the ruling had been different.

Again, I was struck by the sense of joy, affirmation and community. It seemed that even the homeless were enjoying the event.

I waited to see the beginning of the march, and then - having spent the day surrounded by SEVERAL thousand people - needed to retreat to a coffee shop for some quiet time to reflect.  I keep coming back to that thought that it is so very important to allow people to bring their whole selves to every part of their lives, so that they can experience every part as a whole, and give themselves as a whole to every part, and be WHOLLY human.  It is deeply wrong for any faith community to adopt the attitude where they force people to leave their private lives behind closed doors, and attend services quietly, without people knowing who they really are, lest it offends a few.  So very deeply wrong.

Here's a few pics from today ...

He was giving away free hugs.

People as far as the eye can see

Drumming group leading the parade onto the streets

The start of the parade towards the Castro

Grace in Grace cathedral

Mike and I went to the 11.00 service at Grace cathedral on Sunday, 23 June.

The cathedral, a replica of Notre Dame, currently has thousands of 84 foot lengths of ribbon suspended from the ceiling, which have been prepared by the local community, and present a visual image of inclusivity and equality. The ribbons will have shades of red added this week, expanding even more on this theme, as all the colours of the rainbow hang from the rafters, in time for Pride weekend.

This equality is further represented in the congregation, which included a range of shapes, incomes, colours and sizes, and also a number of same-sex couples, which both felt and looked perfectly natural. The importance of this cannot be underestimated, as it meant that we didn't feel out of place, or that we had to pretend we were friends in case it offended somebody. We could attend a service together, like any other couple, we could worship together, hold hands and receive communion together, and this was just a normal thing. We had the freedom to be a "couple that pray together"!

The sermon was given by Revd Winnie Varghese, and made reference to equality and equal marriage.  It felt both perfectly natural and totally right to be hearing about Equality for all human beings in a church setting, and it struck me how wrong the Church (with a capital 'C') has got it, when it's only in a small number of communities and congregations that all people are welcomed, included, affirmed and blessed.

It's such a small thing, but it made a big impact on us to be able to feel at home, not as two individuals, but as a couple, together ... even moreso because it was the first anniversary of our Civil Partnership registration.

With thanks to the Very Revd. Dr. Jane Shaw for her and the cathedral's hospitality, and to Revd. Winnie Varghese for an inclusive sermon.

Barriers to the LGBT community are SLOWLY breaking down ...

As I write this, I'm on the eve of preparing to fly out to San Francisco for my ministry sabbatical.  While there, I'm hoping to link up with various community groups and church groups that practise inclusive ministry and welcome the LGBT community into their midst, their leadership and their hearts, without placing conditions of change or conformity on them.

I'm mostly finished with packing ... the next stage is panicking.  However, I was alerted to an article by a fellow tweeter (Thanks Rachel!) about a public apology from the President of Exodus international, an international evangelical ministry focusing on reparative therapy for gay people, to the LGBT community and an announcement that Exodus International was to be closing it's doors.

This is big news for me personally, as for two years in the late 1990's, I submitted myself to a programme of 'therapy' in Port Elizabeth, South Africa, that was run using their materials.  I don't think it was organised with their approval, but it was someone who had been on their courses, and was given the opportunity to come over to South Africa and run them himself.

I suspect that the courses, if run properly, should be run by a team of well-trained people, as they attempt to dig very deep into your psyche, and alter your very sense of being.  In hindsight, it's clear how dodgy such a procedure is, but when you're a young Christian coming to terms with being gay, you're desperate to fit in with the rest of your faith community, and you're led to believe that being gay is purely about lust and that to identify in any sense with being gay is sinful and excludes you from salvation.

This is largely the premise of the course material we were subjected to, and we were led to believe that our identity as gay people was purely based on eroticised expressions of deep-seated need for male bonding, and that - with time - we would be able to unlearn being gay, and relearn how to be straight and 'bond' with other men.  We were told that any identity we felt we had as gay people was incorrect and that we should unlearn any ways in which we identified with being gay, and should teach ourselves how to be straight and do straight things.  We were told that anytime we felt a longing for a life partner or intimacy, it was wrong, and that we had to instead learn how to identify with straight men by playing football, going to the pub, etc..

The reality of all of this is that, because being gay is a matter of identity and not just erotic expression, you begin to feel 'wrong' at your core, and - in trying to be one of the 'lads' - fail miserably, and feel hopelessly inadequate, because you'll never be able to identify as one of them.  Generally speaking, straight lads are different to gay lads, have different interests, and don't feel threatened by each other, in case they discover that you're gay.  So, you spend your time feeling like a failure, feeling unlovable to God, feeling scared of being discovered, and feeling hopelessly inadequate as a Christian, because you can't change, when the organiser of the course tells you that change is possible.

This is why this apology by the President of Exodus International, the largest "ex-gay therapy" group is such a big deal for me personally.  It feels like another step closer toward the healing I've been claiming back for myself since I left the course all those years ago and went through a crisis of identity and a crisis of faith.

It's also a big deal, because many evangelical and fundamental faith groups globally base their dealings with the LGBT community on the teachings of Exodus International and other similar organisations ... that gay people need to seek 'healing', in order to be faithful, and that they can accept the LGBT community, but only on condition that they seek change and not seek to give in to what they see as sinful desires, rather than a true identity.

With this apology, the wind is beginning to drain out of the sails of that argument, and some real dialogue can begin.  I know for hundreds of thousands of LGBT people this will be too little too late from the faith community, but with any luck, it'll stop future generations from being put through life-threatening 'therapy' that attempts to change their identities and personalities.

I can't really answer why I stuck with my faith after all of that ... perhaps it's the desire to make a difference in the lives of those who come after me.  I've had many young people asking me over the years where they can go to join a faith community that won't try to change them, out them, or make them feel like freaks.  Sometimes that's easy to answer, and sometimes it's not.  It can be incredibly geographical, and I always have to warn them to be careful, as an inclusive leader does not always mean an inclusive congregation or vice versa, so their guard is always up. But at least it's beginning to look like change may be possible at a greater level, rather than having little pockets of inclusivity.
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You can read the text of Alan Chambers' apology here (it's a direct cut-and-paste from the Exodus International page here - I'm merely pasting it in, as their page is quite slow at the moment.)

Three years ago, Leslie and I began a very public conversation with Our America’s Lisa Ling, from the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) regarding some of our deeply held beliefs about Christianity and the LGBT community.  Today, we have decided to carry this public conversation even further. While this conversation has and may well continue to be met with many different responses from supporters and critics, it is our desire to keep having these honest discussions in the hopes of arriving to a place of peace.

Several months ago, this conversation led me to call Lisa Ling to take another step on this messy journey.  I asked if she would, once again, help us add to the unfolding story by covering my apology to the people who have been hurt by Exodus International.  Our ministry has been public and therefore any acknowledgement of wrong must also be public.  I haven’t always been the leader of Exodus, but I am now and someone must finally own and acknowledge the hurt of others. I do so anxiously, but willingly.

It is strange to be someone who has both been hurt by the church’s treatment of the LGBT community, and also to be someone who must apologize for being part of the very system of ignorance that perpetuated that hurt. Today it is as if I’ve just woken up to a greater sense of how painful it is to be a sinner in the hands of an angry church. 

It is also strange to be an outcast from powerful portions of both the gay community and the Christian community.  Because I do not completely agree with the vocalmajorities in either group and am forging a new place of peaceful service in and through both, I will likely continue to be an outsider to some degree. I imagine it to be very much like a man I recently heard speak at a conference I attended, Father Elias Chacour, the Melkite Catholic Archbishop of Israel. He is an Arab Christian, Palestinian by birth, and a citizen of Israel. Talk about a walking contradiction.  When I think of the tension of my situation I am comforted by the thought of him and his. 

My desire is to completely align with Christ, his Good News for all and his offer of peace amidst the storms of life. My wife Leslie and my beliefs center around grace, the finished work of Christ on the cross and his offer of eternal relationship to any and all that believe. Our beliefs do not center on “sin” because “sin” isn’t at the center of our faith. Our journey hasn’t been about denying the power of Christ to do anything – obviously he is God and can do anything. 

With that, here is an expanded version of the apology I offered during my recent interview with Lisa Ling to the people within the LGBTQ community who have been hurt by the Church, Exodus International, and me.  I realize some within the communities for which I apologize will say I don’t have the right, as one man, to do so on their behalf.  But if the Church is a body, with many members being connected to the whole, then I believe that what one of us does right we all do right, and what one of us does wrong we all do wrong. We have done wrong, and I stand with many others who now recognize the need to offer apologies and make things right.  I believe this apology – however imperfect – is what God the Father would have me do.

To Members of the LGBTQ Community: 

In 1993 I caused a four-car pileup.  In a hurry to get to a friend’s house, I was driving when a bee started buzzing around the inside of my windshield. I hit the bee and it fell on the dashboard. A minute later it started buzzing again with a fury. Trying to swat it again I completely missed the fact that a city bus had stopped three cars in front of me.  I also missed that those three cars were stopping, as well.  Going 40 miles an hour I slammed into the car in front of me causing a chain reaction. I was injured and so were several others.  I never intended for the accident to happen. I would never have knowingly hurt anyone. But I did. And it was my fault. In my rush to get to my destination, fear of being stung by a silly bee, and selfish distraction, I injured others. 

I have no idea if any of the people injured in that accident have suffered long term effects. While I did not mean to hurt them, I did. The fact that my heart wasn’t malicious did not lessen their pain or their suffering. I am very sorry that I chose to be distracted that fall afternoon, and that I caused so much damage to people and property.  If I could take it all back I absolutely would. But I cannot. I pray that everyone involved in the crash has been restored to health. 

Recently, I have begun thinking again about how to apologize to the people that have been hurt by Exodus International through an experience or by a message. I have heard many firsthand stories from people called ex-gay survivors. Stories of people who went to Exodus affiliated ministries or ministers for help only to experience more trauma. I have heard stories of shame, sexual misconduct, and false hope. In every case that has been brought to my attention, there has been swift action resulting in the removal of these leaders and/or their organizations. But rarely was there an apology or a public acknowledgement by me. 

And then there is the trauma that I have caused. There were several years that I conveniently omitted my ongoing same-sex attractions. I was afraid to share them as readily and easily as I do today. They brought me tremendous shame and I hid them in the hopes they would go away. Looking back, it seems so odd that I thought I could do something to make them stop. Today, however, I accept these feelings as parts of my life that will likely always be there. The days of feeling shame over being human in that way are long over, and I feel free simply accepting myself as my wife and family does. As my friends do. As God does. 

Never in a million years would I intentionally hurt another person. Yet, here I sit having hurt so many by failing to acknowledge the pain some affiliated with Exodus International caused, and by failing to share the whole truth about my own story. My good intentions matter very little and fail to diminish the pain and hurt others have experienced on my watch. The good that we have done at Exodus is overshadowed by all of this. 

Friends and critics alike have said it’s not enough to simply change our message or website. I agree. I cannot simply move on and pretend that I have always been the friend that I long to be today. I understand why I am distrusted and why Exodus is hated. Please know that I am deeply sorry. I am sorry for the pain and hurt many of you have experienced. I am sorry that some of you spent years working through the shame and guilt you felt when your attractions didn’t change. I am sorry we promoted sexual orientation change efforts and reparative theories about sexual orientation that stigmatized parents. 

I am sorry that there were times I didn’t stand up to people publicly “on my side” who called you names like sodomite—or worse. I am sorry that I, knowing some of you so well, failed to share publicly that the gay and lesbian people I know were every bit as capable of being amazing parents as the straight people that I know. I am sorry that when I celebrated a person coming to Christ and surrendering their sexuality to Him that I callously celebrated the end of relationships that broke your heart. I am sorry that I have communicated that you and your families are less than me and mine. 

More than anything, I am sorry that so many have interpreted this religious rejection by Christians as God’s rejection.  I am profoundly sorry that many have walked away from their faith and that some have chosen to end their lives. For the rest of my life I will proclaim nothing but the whole truth of the Gospel, one of grace, mercy and open invitation to all to enter into an inseverable relationship with almighty God. 

I cannot apologize for my deeply held biblical beliefs about the boundaries I see in scripture surrounding sex, but I will exercise my beliefs with great care and respect for those who do not share them.  I cannot apologize for my beliefs about marriage. But I do not have any desire to fight you on your beliefs or the rights that you seek. My beliefs about these things will never again interfere with God’s command to love my neighbor as I love myself. 

You have never been my enemy. I am very sorry that I have been yours. I hope the changes in my own life, as well as the ones we announce tonight regarding Exodus International, will bring resolution, and show that I am serious in both my regret and my offer of friendship. I pledge that future endeavors will be focused on peace and common good. 

Moving forward, we will serve in our pluralistic culture by hosting thoughtful and safe conversations about gender and sexuality, while partnering with others to reduce fear, inspire hope, and cultivate human flourishing.

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Combined with the public call for inclusivity by Steve Chalke, founder of Oasis UK, an evangelical Christian ministry, and author and broadcaster, which you can read here, this is turning out to be quite a year for evangelical Christians, who - aside from the Roman Catholic Church's leadership (I say leadership, as the view in the pew is often different) - are the main opponents to greater inclusion and equality for the LGBT community.

The start of the story

I'm about to start the travel section of my Sabbatical, and am more nervous than excited.

The reality of spending 6 weeks away from home, in a strange country, on my own is fairly daunting. You take a number of familiar things for granted ... knowing where to find groceries, where is safe and not safe to walk on your own, where to go to have time to think ... All of the little things that you know in your home town.

It'll be a wonderful experience, and I'll get to meet lovely people, I'm sure.

For now, I need to get everything into my bags and make sure I've got all my travel docs ... To quote Ab Fab, "Tickets, money, passport!"

Inclusive faith groups need you ...

It never ceases to amaze me how much money is apparently around to both sponsor, and be made from, bigotry and bigoted causes.

The language used by organisations that support bigoted views often claims to support what is holy, sacred, or core to our values as a society.  They use scare tactics and a series of untruths to attempt to label those they're seeking to oppress and to gain support and finances from people who don't wish to see their lifestyle or value system threatened.  In my opinion this is less of a faith issue, but more of a power issue, and occasionally a financial issue.

By contrast, the groups that seek to promote full inclusion often work with very limited budgets and payrolls, but work very hard.

This is especially true in the case of so-called faith groups fighting against the LGBT community.  There are plenty of groups working very hard to fight the full inclusion of LGBT people, to campaign against marriage equality & marriage equality in faith communities, and most recently - often campaigning for bills which allow discrimination on the religious grounds.

I don't believe the answer to fighting bigotry in faith groups is to silence the voice of faith. If we allow ourselves to go down that road, we effectively silence all faith voices, including those fighting hard to bring full equality and inclusion.  People of faith who believe in equality for all often speak out in favour of full inclusion at the risk of their careers, and sometimes even their homes and families.  If we're to bring change in faith communities and have faith communities that affirm and include all and advocate for equality, we're going to need to support them and help them find their voice. If we give them back their voice, it removes some of the power of the oppressive groups that seek to silence everyone that doesn't submit to their control.

I wish to draw attention to some of the groups working for the full inclusion of the LGBT community, in faith groups, in society, in law and in our culture.  They need your support, your time, your gifts and talents, your prayers and your donations.

Faith Groups

• LGCM - the Lesbian & Gay Christian Movement.
  Find out more about them here
  Donate to their ministry here
• Changing Attitude - Changing Attitude works for the full inclusion of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people in the life of the Anglican Communion.
  Find out more about them here
  Donate to their ministry here
• Two:23 - an evangelical Christian with a LGBT inclusive ministry
  Find out more about Two:23 here
• Diverse Church - Diverse Church is a supportive community of 250+ young 18-30yo LGBT+ Christians, predominantly in UK evangelical churches. They aim to be a pastoral/mission resource for the wider church.
  Find out more about them here
  
• Inclusive Church - working for a church that is welcoming and open to all, and also holds a directory of inclusive churches nationwide.
  Find out more about them here
  Support their ministry here
• Accepting Evangelicals - Accepting Evangelicals is a open network of Evangelical Christians who believe the time has come to move towards the acceptance of faithful, loving same-sex partnerships at every level of church life, and the development of a positive Christian ethic for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.
  Find out more about them here
• Metropolitan Community Church - a global inclusive church movement
  You can read more about them here
  Find their Western European & United Kingdom ministry groups here (you can support their ministries on their respective pages)
  Support their global ministry here
• Matthew Vines' Reformation Project
  Matthew is a remarkable young man. There are plenty of people who have explained the theology behind inclusive Christianity, but Matthew is perhaps the first to make it available in a YouTube video, in the form of an hour-long lecture, that provides a brief summary of all Scriptural views of homosexuality. Matthew's page is here.
  This video, and it's growth in global popularity, gave rise to a ministry by the name of
  The Reformation Project - a Bible-based, Christian non-profit organisation that seeks to reform church teaching on sexual orientation and gender identity.  Read more about this ministry here.
  The Reformation Project is only available in the USA for now, but is hopefully coming to the UK soon.
  Support Matthew's Reformation Project here.
  I'm hoping to get the chance to meet Matthew at some point over the course of my Sabbatical, but obviously time-permitting for both of us.

Community / campaigning groups

• StonewallProbably the group many people think of first when thinking of a group working towards equality for LGBT people.
  Find out more about Stonewall here
  Find out about the many ways you can support Stonewall here.

This list is not exhaustive, but a brief introduction into a few of the groups I've had the pleasure of being in contact with - and supporting - over the last year or two.  The people in these groups are extremely hard-working and dedicated, but they desperately need support - in whatever form you can offer it - to continue to fight for equality for the LGBT community in our government and in our faith communities.

I regularly tweet about Equality and Equal Marriage (although not exclusively) ... you can follow my twitter feed here.

South West Trains - A little bit of social media escalation (updated)

In an attempt to remain current in South West Trains minds (something I seem to be struggling with), I am going to attempt to draw their attention to the following in a blog post.

On 20 April, I had a ticket for a Southern Rail train from Portsmouth Harbour to Brighton.  The long and the short of it is that the train left without me, but there was no information on the display boards about it, there were no audible announcements made, the ticket office staff didn't know the train's location, and it was hidden from view, behind other trains, and there were two trains on the same platform, so you would only know it was there if you happened to be standing in front of it.  Here's a picture of the view from the main station concourse, where passengers are advised to wait for their trains.

The South West Train is at Platform 3. Apparently, I should've been able to see a Southern Train at Platform 5, hidden from view, without any announcements or information displayed, and without the ticket office knowing it was there.

The staff member in the ticket office didn't know where the train was, and by the time I found a staff member who did know, the train had left.

Sometimes, events like this can be down to passengers not researching the information correctly, or not arriving in time ... however, as the information will show, I arrived in plenty of time, tried asking staff members and tried consulting information screens.  In the end, through no fault of my own, the train departed without me, resulting in me being late for my conference.  I also spotted a very young child looking worriedly at his watch and mobile phone, and - once I'd found out that the train had left - discovered that he too was meant to be on it, and gave him the information I'd been given on how to reach his destination on later trains.

When I complained to Southern, I was informed that the station was run by South West Trains, and - as such - would need to be chased up by them.

I compiled an email complaint, which I sent to both train companies, on 23 April, and acknowledged by both companies' Customer Services email systems.

Following on from being told that I should follow up my complaint by South West Trains, I was also informed by the Southern Rail customer care team that I could follow procedures for a refund with them, once South West Trains had responded to me.  It seems odd to me that you need to complain to a different company from the one that may issue a refund?

I informed Southern that, as the ticket provider, I felt it was their responsibility to deal with the station owner on my behalf, and they thanked me for the feedback (but didn't offer to take up my suggestion).

My original complaint was on 23 April.  When I didn't hear back from either company by 30 May, I tweeted both their customer services departments, to ask when I could expect a response.  I was informed that South West Trains were busy responding and that they'd get back to me shortly.

I didn't hear anything by the next week, so I tweeted South West Trains again on 4 June, to ask what the update was.  Their Customer Services person on twitter didn't know and advised that they would get someone to respond the next day (5 June).

The working day is now finished on the 6th of June, and I still haven't heard anything - bearing in mind my original email was sent on 23 April (a total of 50 working days, by my counting, leaving off the bank holidays and weekends!), and was sent to both train companies to avoid confusion.

It certainly feels like someone's hoping I'll forget all about it, but the more time I spend chasing it, the more expensive this complaint will become to resolve.
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Update on 19 June 2013:

I had a reply from South West Trains, offering an apology that I couldn't hear the (non-existent) automated announcements, and a peace offering of £20 rail vouchers.  I responded that I didn't feel they understood the complaint, and I had hoped for more, as the cost to me was greater, but that I would accept the vouchers, and I offered my postal address.  That response was sent on the 7th of June at 11h13.

It's the 19th of June now, and I've not had any response, or received any vouchers.  Bearing in mind that this happened on the 20th of April, I complained on the 23rd of April, and waited till 7th of June for a response from their Customer Services department, this is turning into a case study for epic fails in Customer Services and Complaints Resolution.

I've now gotten Passenger Focus ("the independent passenger watchdog") involved to try and bring the matter to an end.  I wish them luck.  Here is the email I sent them:

Subject: Re: Passenger Focus - Our reference: PFO-11077-M9L1D9 PF:0037387

Dear **************

Thank you for your response and apologies for taking a few days to respond.  I had a reply from South West Trains, which you'll see below.  Interestingly, I responded to *************, as you'll see, on the 7th of June.

You'll note that he apologises that the "automated announcements were not audible", which is absolutely not the case.  There were no automated announcements, and I arrived in plenty of time to hear them.  The staff member at the ticket office did not know which platform the train was on, there was no information on the screens, and there were no announcements made - automated or not.  There were two South West Trains at platforms 3 and 4, obstructing the view to platform 5, and the designated Southern Rail train was one of two on platform 5, only the first of which could be seen from the station concourse.  There was, therefore, no means of knowing that the train was parked out of view, behind a South West Trains train on the same platform.  When I went back to the ticket window to ask - by which time there would still have been time to make the train if I'd run - he still didn't know which platform the train was on, and advised that I ask a member of staff on the platform.  These members of staff were notoriously hard to find, as I couldn't see any in the information office (to which the door was ajar), but finally noticed them neatly secluded away in the glass office in the corner of the station, atop some stairs.  When I managed to get the attention of one of them, I was informed that the train had just left.  That was the first time I encountered any member of staff who knew the train's whereabouts.

So, I don't accept **********'s assumption that I didn't hear the automated announcements ... there simply was no information forthcoming, from staff, speakers or screens.  Hence I and the young child missed the train, causing me unnecessary financial expense (as I missed the keynote speaker at the conference I was attending, whom I wanted to question about important developing matters in government & the Church), and causing the child distress as he was travelling alone and didn't know where his train was.  Interestingly, none of the station staff offered to assist him ... I passed on the information I gleaned from the staff member, on how to make it to our respective destinations.

I don't feel South West trains have understood the nature of the epic fail of their systems and staff, or the cost implications to me.  However, if all they're prepared to offer is £20, I'll take it.  However, to date, and in true South West Trains fashion, I have not yet received a reply from ********, or the promised rail vouchers (I received his email on 7 June and replied the same day ... not even 2nd class mail is that slow).  This is a fairly disastrous complaints procedure and attempt at complaint resolution, for a complaint that I originally emailed through on 23 April.  We'll shortly be exceeding two months since my original complaint, and still no resolution.

I also feel the system is needlessly complicated.  It's a Southern Rail train I missed, but Southern wouldn't deal with the complaint, saying it was a South West Trains matter as they managed the station.  You should be able to complain to the company you paid for your ticket, and they should take the matter up, not leave you to approach their respective service providers.

I thank you for your assistance with this matter and for the work you and Passenger Focus are doing to attempt to resolve the shambolic running of the British Rail system and look forward to some kind of resolution.

With kind regards

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Let the Sabbatical begin!!!!

At the close of today's working day, I officially start my Sabbatical, or Extended Ministerial Development Leave, as it's now called.  As clergy, this is something we get every 10 years since ordination (more or less, depending on Diocese).  As my ordination to the Diaconate was in 1999 and to the Priesthood was in 2000, I'm a few years late.

We get the opportunity to take 3 months or so (again, it could differ from Diocese to Diocese), to look at study activities or life and faith experiences that will feed our ministry or our lives for the next ten years.

For some of my Sabbatical, I'll be enjoying spending time at home with my hubby, Mike, but I'll also be spending a large chunk of time in San Francisco in the USA, where I'm hoping to link up with various LGBT community and church groups, to look at good examples of inclusive ministry, in both the secular and religious communities.  I've already made a contact with a few people in local churches there, and also in Grace Cathedral.  I may look at attending services at one of theses, and also at observing some of their groups/meetings/people.

I'm also excited to have made initial contact with the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.  Their story interests me, because what most people see is a group of cross-dressing men, in nuns habits, on in-line skates, but I think it's much deeper than that.  They sit between two communities who often don't see eye-to-eye, i.e. the LGBT community and the religious community, and they've adopted the language and uniform of one, to do charitable works in the other.  I hope I do get to meet them, and I'm looking forward to finding out what their experiences of both communities have been, and where their story started, and whether any lessons can be learned from them. In addition to all that, I think they'll bring some much-needed humour to my Sabbatical time.

I hope to be blogging / tweeting / photographing while I'm away, so do please follow, comment, feed back.  If there are any people in the San Fran area that want to link up, I look forward to hearing from you.

At the end of my time in the USA, I'll be returning home, a weird mix of exhausted & exhilirated, and hope to have many tales to tell. :)

To close ... here's a pic of me on my ordination day.

My ordination at St Stephen's, New Brighton, in the Diocese of Port Elizabeth - 30 September 2000.

Pray for equality

The Lesbian & Gay Christian Movement have issued the following call to action in support of Equal Marriage:
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1)  Join the Rally for Marriage Equality on Monday 3rd June from 5.30pm  at the statue of George V in Old Palace Yard, London SW1, diagonally opposite the main entrance to the House of Commons.
2)  Pray. The Evangelical Alliance along with other Christian groups that oppose marriage equality have published a call to prayer. Here is our response using the same format that is being printed in GayStar News:
Please pray:

• That the Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Bill will become law and that it will be promoted in society for the good of all.
• That on Monday 3 June a majority of Peers will vote in favour of the bill.
• For the Equal Love Campaign and all the other LGBT Christian organisations as they campaign to remove the exclusion of same sex couples to marriage.
• For parliamentarians and others in public life to have the courage to stand up for their convictions for equality.
• For the news media, that they would report the issue widely, fairly, and accurately.
• That the real benefits of opening up marriage to same sex couples would be publicly known and properly discussed.
• That people would not face discrimination or be perpetrators of discrimination, in the workplace or elsewhere, because of their sincere beliefs about marriage.

Open prayer is encouraged, but this written prayer may also be of help:

Loving God,

We thank you for the gift of marriage which you established at the dawn of time, to be a blessing for all generations throughout the earth, down through the ages.

We pray that you would fill each and every marriage with your love and grace, and that every couple would know the joy that comes from sharing and giving.

We thank you for establishing marriage to be a secure and stable environment for raising children and becoming all you have called us to be.

We pray, as you have commanded us, for those in positions of civil authority.

We ask that you would bless our nation as the Government seeks to open up marriage to make it available to all your children.

We pray that our government will act with wisdom and righteousness, promoting marriage for all couples to whom you have given the gift of love for each other so that marriage will truly become what you want it to be - for the good of all people.

We pray for our nation, as our government seeks to open up marriage, that they will embrace this change. And we pray for ourselves, that we would speak out in support of equal marriage with gentleness and kindness, but also with courage and confidence.

In the name of Christ Jesus our Lord we pray.

Amen.

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I won't be able to make the vigil, but I will be praying.  I'll be praying for equality, inclusivity and victory of good over evil.  Our faith is a faith based on the person of Jesus, the great practitioner of social inclusion.  Following his example, ours is a faith that includes the tax collectors, prostitutes, lepers, lame, the children, the guilty, the social outcasts, the political outcasts and those on the religious fringes.

To be closing ranks and excluding others based on their identity is not a Christian principle. It may be one that can be Biblically backed up by a select extraction of verses, but that is an incorrect use of Scripture to enforce views that are not in keeping with our radical, inclusive faith.

Praying for equality for all!

A reply to Lord Geoffrey Dear on Equal Marriage

In contrast to the one sentence reply I received from Lord Stoddart, who didn't even bother to paste my name at the top of his email, I received a long reply from Lord Dear.

Lord Dear acknowledged my letter and my points, and offered his reasons for wanting to vote against the bill (which seem to be about the haste and the mammoth task of changing various other laws, ad well as the threat to marriage, which he obviously values in its current state).

I won't paste his reply here, as it was addressed to me, but I will offer here my response to him, for information, but also to keep the conversation going, and to remind people that this is not a remote paper exercise, but debating and deciding on people's very ability to be fully human!

I replied as follows:
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Dear Lord Dear

I thank you for your response ... Others have not taken the time to respond, and in some cases, when they have responded, haven't offered a personal response or even used my name. So I am grateful to you for your time.

Your reply, as you will no doubt know, saddens me. The problem is that the things you're speaking of are matters of dotting i's and crossing t's, when the reality for the LGBT community is that paper exercises are playing with our lives, our futures, and the deepest facets of our lives ... Our ability to love and be loved, and to belong in society, and these are the things that make us human.

What feels rushed from your perspective comes hundreds of years too late from ours. I recognise that the complexities of the law need work, but it's a real heartbreaking sadness to hear someone say that "because there still needs to be years of paperwork done, you should continue to live as less of a citizen while we form committees and type documents." I recognise those are not your words, but that is how the message came across to me.

I also hear your fear in your comment that "we are being asked to review and alter the institution of marriage as we have understood it for centuries." However, I don't see how allowing others to share in the joy of that state is a threat to the institution. More people entering into marriage will strengthen it and revive it.

Frankly, it needs reviving, when the examples of marriage our young people see are celebrities marrying for 72 hours, practising serial monogamy, deceit, infidelity, and an unhealthy focus on a wedding day that is a performance, rather than a marriage that is hard work and a long and deep joy.

My own feeling is that if we don't revive and extend the institution of marriage to those of us in the LGBT community, the straight community will continue to devalue it until it is more commonplace than it is already to have marriages that are little more than a public spectacle, followed by bitterness, betrayal and a  quick divorce, with children being raised by one parent or at best, being raised in a warzone where both parents no longer love each other and use their children as ammunition in their battle.

Institutions have to change, in order to remain current and alive. That change is always threatening, but to delay it because the paperwork scares us, is more sure to cause the breakdown of the institution than the change we fear.

I don't assume to be so bold as to think my email will do anything to change your thinking, but I beg you to bear in mind that we are not dealing with mere paperwork and history, but peoples lives, our futures and the very things that make us human ... Belonging to community and loving.

With kind regards
Andy Marshall

Equal Marriage bill in the house of Lords

Considering the Pink News headline that "Peers plan revolt against equal marriage bill as it goes to Lords", and calls from groups working for equality that we write to a peer to appeal to them support the bill, I decided, perhaps ambitiously, to write to Lord D Stoddart, as follows:

I write, as a gay man, as a Christian, as a member of the Church of
England Clergy, and as a proud citizen of the United Kingdom, regarding
the sensitive matter of equal marriage.

My partner and I have been together for five years, and love each other
deeply, and he proposed to me in November of 2011. He proposed that we
be married, not that we be Civil(ly) Partnered.  However, we quickly
discovered how deep the inequalities in society go.

Even though our love is sincere and we had a deep desire to commit to
each other for life, we are not allowed to do so, without seeking the
permission of any number of people who may object to that, for no other
reason than it offends them.

We cannot walk down the road holding hands, for fear of being pursued
and attacked ... something which, sadly, is on the increase, as some
feel - no doubt as a result of some of the deliberate scaremongering
and names used in the press about the Equal Marriage bill - that they
have the permission of the law of the land to ostracise and hate the
LGBT community.  This is made painfully clear in the attack on Chris
Bryant, MP.

We have to be extra careful when making travel arrangements, so that we
only pick venues that would be happy to have us stay, and not risk harm
or hatred when we're trying to relax away from work commitments.

We were joined together in a Civil Partnership in June of last year,
because we didn't want to wait an indeterminate amount of time for the
law to change.    If (dare I utter the word 'When'?) the law is changed,
it is our intention to convert our Civil Partnership to a marriage, as
that is how we view ourselves, and - frankly - how all our friends and
family view our relationship.

When the banns for our Civil Ceremony were published, no address
details could be published, as they are with straight couples, lest we
become victims of hate crime.

From the Church of England's perspective, before we could enter into a
Civil Partnership, I had to have a conversation with my Diocesan
Bishop, under the premise that we would only live together as
house-mates or platonic friends ... the Church of England officially
forbids us from having any kind of active sexual relationship (although
how they plan to police this is a mystery to all).

These are just the beginning when it comes to the inequalities faced by
us and many hundreds of thousands other gay couples.

Legally, there are plenty of other inequalities ...
My partner works for an airline, and is away from home and in another
country on average four days out of seven.  If something were to happen
to him while he was abroad, I would have no right to visit him in
hospital, or to access any information about him, should he be
incapable of speaking to me on the phone, merely because I am not his
legally recognised spouse.  This is true EVEN if we were to be
travelling together, and even if we were travelling in a country that
has Equal Marriage, because ours is not a recognised equal marriage,
but some in-between legal state.

I'm not sure if you're aware of the heartbreaking case of American Shane Bitney
Crone & his partner Tom Bridegroom, where Tom tragically died, and
Shane was forbidden by the hospital to access any information about
Tom, banned from seeing Tom, and where Tom's family were able to remove
possessions that belonged to the couple jointly and then banned Shane
from attending Tom's funeral.  There is a more detailed account of
their story at http://youtu.be/pR9gyloyOjM .

Add to this other inequalities that exist in our 'fair' society, such
as not being able to donate blood if you've had sex with someone of the
same gender within the twelve month period prior to donation (even if
that was exclusively with your long-term life partner), and it begins
to point out how little equality there is for the LGBT community, and
why we feel we're often regarded as second-class citizens.

Some who are against equal marriage are trying to paint this as merely
an attempt to avoid inheritance tax, which simply is not the truth.  We
want to be able to commit to the person we love, for life, the same as
everyone else, and not have a special term for it that identifies us as
different or 'less than'. We want to be protected in law, as
individuals and couples, in the same way that our straight brothers and
sisters are protected, and we want to be able to love our partners,
without fear of expulsion, attack or belittling.

With regard to the religious arguments against equal marriage ...
they're very emotive, but - and I say this as a member of the clergy
who deeply believes that religion has a role to play in blessing and
supporting committed relationships - is not relevant for the law of the
land.  Marriage was not invented by the Church, nor is it a purely
Biblical principle. It is something that is mentioned in the Bible, but
the context, the circumstances and the regulations surrounding it
change several times within the same book.  Some will argue that the
Old Testament manifestations of marriage (marrying widows as the spoils
or rewards of war, marrying slaves, marrying your brother's widow,
etc., etc..) are made irrelevant by the New Testament, but these same
people will then lean heavily on other Old Testament scriptures from
Leviticus & Deuteronomy, to condemn LGBT people, and ignore the fact
that the person of Jesus Christ was mute on gender orientation.

Our understanding of morality changes from area to area, age to age,
culture to culture, world view to world view and faith to faith.  I
believe that faith should be a support, a comfort & should bless
committed relationships, and support them in forming cohesive
communities.  If, however, a particular church or faith community felt
that they were unable to support same-sex couples in seeking that
community's blessing for their relationship, I can't see that that
would be a problem, as many churches currently will not remarry
divorcees, and are under no pressure to do so. Indeed, some churches
only marry members, and others still - members who are regular
attenders.  The idea that all faith communities will be forced to
conduct Equal Marriage ceremonies is merely an attempt at manipulating
the emotions of people to support the status quo, and keep the LGBT
community as second-class citizens, who have to love in private,
surrounded by an aire of suspicion and fear.

I do hope that you can see the hurt behind these words, and my
desperate hope that the law will be changed to allow us to be equals in
society, able to care for each other, able to love each other, and able
to provide for each other, without some people feeling they have the
right to forbid us from doing so, or hate us for doing so, because the
law encourages them to see us as different.

I also hope that you will lend your support to the bill, and encourage
you to get in touch if you have any questions.

With kind regards

As we're always asked to write personally, rather than just add our name to pre-prepared letters, I decided to try a personal and heartfelt approach.  Some of this may be clumsily written, but it is as it went out, so bear with me.

I received an instant automatic reply, which is strange, considering they themselves don't like instant, automated emails.  The reply came in the form of a .doc attachment (they didn't even have the decency to paste my name at the top ... reinforcing the message that we're second-class citizens), which simply said,

Re. your email

Lord Stoddart of Swindon will be supporting Lord Dear’s amendment to refuse a second reading to the Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Bill on 3^rd June.

I appeal to anyone in support of Equal Marriage to make sure that you write to someone in the House of Lords, and appeal to them to support the bill.  I shall now send my email to Lord Dear ... no harm ...

Swivel-eyed loons ...

I find it interesting that some MPs are so upset at ALLEGEDLY being called "swivel-eyed loons"! Awww ... Diddums.

When were you last called "disordered", "subversive", "demonic", "sick", "abnormal", "unnatural", or had someone recommend therapy to you because they don't like who you love, or had your love compared to a slippery slope to beastiality or paedophilia? When did you last have your family identity threatened because other people don't think you should be allowed to love or have children?

It's interesting to see these MPs taking a principled stand on the "swivel-eyed loons" comment, but not on some of the abhorrent comments made about gay people or their relationships. We have to campaign constantly, and often rely on the strength of allies who can speak up for us when many in the LGBT community are silenced by fear or bullying, to try and get MPs to defend us and advance equality.

I would venture to comment that perhaps their priorities need to be addressed.

I do hope that equality and common sense, rather than bullying and fear-mongering prevails. What a funny thing it is to have your future in someone else's hands.

God's amazing grace ...

I've been reading up today on some interesting developments with Westboro Baptist Church (of 'God Hates Fags' picketing fame) and it's been quite reassuring that God can bring change to even the hardest hearts.

Over the years, Westboro Baptist has become more synonymous with speaking hatred than with any positive message of the Gospel, and they've gained much publicity from picketing outside the funerals of soldiers, stating that they've gone to hell, and also issuing statements claiming that natural disasters have been God's judgement on anyone and everyone that doesn't hold the same views as them.

In the early days, when I first became aware of them, I was incensed by how blatantly they could get away with causing so much hurt, with such disregard for the pain of the surviving families that were exposed to their picketing.  On one or two occasions, I even emailed and entered into a bit of email to-ing & fro-ing with one of the women in the Phelps' family, trying to reason with them about God's grace.  Eventually, I realised that all I and others were doing was feeding their need for attention and exacerbating matters, rather than calming them.  So I lost interest and only heard about them very occasionally.

Today, I spotted an article on the Huffington Post website, about Lauren Drain (@LaurenDrain on twitter), who left the cult and has recently been photographed for the NoH8 campaign. Lauren now speaks out against bullying and has written a book, titled "Banished", about how she was cast out of the church and cut off from her family when she began questioning their teaching.

In her statement on the NoH8 website, Lauren says:

"The main reason I posed for the NOH8 Campaign was in direct response to the judgements of the WBC. I wanted to show people that despite having grown up within the cult and having spent a good portion of my life on the picket line, holding signs condemning our deceased soldiers, revelling in any and all forms of tragedy and simply striving to be hurtful in the name of God; that the WBC is wrong and what I did at the time was wrong!"

In the HuffPost article, it mentions a few other defectors, so I read up a bit more about them.

• Nate Phelps, Fred Phelps' son, now 56, defected at age 18, is now executive director of the Center for Inquiry Canada and is on the board of directors of the group Recovering from Religion. He is also an activist for gay rights and often speaks out against WBC.
• One article states that, since 2004, 20 members have left the Westboro Baptist Church, three-fourths of them in their teens or 20s.
• Libby Phelps Alvarez left WBC in March 2009, according to this HuffPost article, and approximately 4 years later "gave an emotional interview to NBC's "Today Show," in which she described the controlling life of hatred and intolerance that she's left behind."
• Most recently, Megan (@MeganPhelps on twitter) and Grace Phelps-Roper (@graceephelps), two of Fred Phelps' granddaughters, left together in November 2012.  The family had placed a lot of hope for the future of the church squarely on Megan's shoulders.  She was the one who pioneered the use of social media at Westboro, becoming the first in her family to go on Twitter, and even had responsibility for the congregation's protest schedule.
  In November of 2012, Megan and her sister Grace left the church (ref. HuffPost article).  In this blog post (from 6 February 2013), Megan shares about their recent journey from judgement to inclusivity, and says:
  

  We know that we’ve done and said things that hurt people. Inflicting pain on others wasn’t the goal, but it was one of the outcomes. We wish it weren’t so, and regret that hurt.

  We know that we dearly love our family. They now consider us betrayers, and we are cut off from their lives, but we know they are well-intentioned. We will never not love them.

  We know that we can’t undo our whole lives. We can’t even say we’d want to if we could; we are who we are because of all the experiences that brought us to this point. What we can do is try to find a better way to live from here on. That’s our focus.

  Megan also recently had an interview with Jeff Chu (@JeffChu on twitter), and shared with emotion how difficult the journey has been for her and Grace.

I know that, for many, this will feel like 'too little, too late', but this has been a very encouraging evening's reading for me. It's a blessed reminder that hearts of stone can be changed, and that there is hope in engaging with people who are anti-gay.  It comes at a great cost to the LGBT community and their allies, who have to face name-calling, physical & emotional abuse, heartache, anger and hatred for nothing other than being themselves.

However, I know this change comes at a great cost to Megan & Grace, too, and they have had to leave behind their loved ones, and their understanding of the world and their taught interpretation of the Bible.  Although my circumstances were different (I was on the receiving end of homophobia), I had to leave my home & my community too ... I was in an evangelical congregation in South Africa, and tried desperately - through prayer, counselling & attendance at ex-gay ministry group meetings - to change into a straight person, but I was still kicked out of my community & congregation when they discovered I was gay. As a result, I ended up having to leave my home & the country, but - thankfully I didn't lose my family.  Although the counselling & ministry I was subjected to had made me sever ties with my family - thankfully I was able to reunite with them.

So, although the circumstances are entirely different, I know something of the desolation and the gaping hole that being suddenly uprooted from your community, your life, your friends and support structures leaves behind. They have made a brave decision, but this is, no doubt, an emotional, lonely and insecure time for them, and I hope that they find comfort from the inclusive communities around them, and I thank them for taking the courage to make this step.  Welcome, & bless you all.

Who knows ... during my Sabbatical leave later this year, if I pass through their neck of the woods, I may even try and meet up with them for a meal or a coffee.  That's not something I thought I would ever say.