Praise God for Same-Sex Marriages

Today, for the first time in the UK, same-sex couples can be legally married.  This is a wonderful victory for equality, and something to be celebrated.  God's grace, gifts & sacraments should be available to all.

On this momentous day, I'd like to offer a prayer and a blessing for all those who will be entering into marriages ...
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Prayer:
Eternal God, creator and preserver of all life, author of salvation, and giver of all grace: Look with favour upon the world you have made, and especially upon those who will be committing to a life of love together from today.

Give them wisdom and devotion in the ordering of their common life, that each may be to the other a strength in need, a counsellor in perplexity, a comfort in sorrow, and a companion in joy.  Grant that their wills may be so knit together in your will, and their spirits in your spirit, that they may grow in love and peace with you and one another all the days of their life.

Give them grace, when they hurt each other, to recognise and acknowledge their fault, and to seek each other’s forgiveness and yours.

Make their life together a sign of Christ’s love to this sinful and broken world, that unity may overcome estrangement, forgiveness heal guilt, and joy conquer despair.  Give them such fulfilment of their mutual affection that they may reach out in love and concern for others. Protect them from those who would wish them harm, and surround them with your grace and a community that loves and supports them.

Grant that the bonds of our common humanity, by which all your children are united to one another, and the living to the dead, may be so transformed by your grace, that your will may be done now and forever; through Jesus Christ, our Saviour.

Amen.

Blessing:

May the blessing of God surround us

May angels and friends share our journey

May we be wise and strong and creative

May we celebrate life and hope

May we walk peacefully with Mother Earth.

May God’s image grow within us

May laughter and courage heal us

May the gospel of life sustain us

All the days of our journey home.

And may my own blessing be yours;

A blessing rooted in our common pilgrimage

The blessing of a friend.

Amen

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 Prayer, adapted from:

Ward, H. & Wild, J. (eds). Human Rites. Mowbray. 1995

 Blessing taken from:

The Iona Community; The Pattern of our Days. Wild Goose Pulbications. 1997
Burgess, R. & Galloway, K. (eds); Praying for the Dawn. Wild Goose Publications. 2000
Ward, H., Wild, J. & Morley, J. (eds); Celebrating Women. SPCK. 1995

My response to the House of Bishops' "Pastoral" Guidance

On 15 February, the House of Bishops released their "Pastoral" Guidance on Same Sex Marriage (text here).  That they would draw up the document on Valentine's Day is a kick in the teeth, that they would embargo it until the next day is less than honest.

Following on from an article in the Church Times, where I offered my view on the House of Bishops' "Pastoral" Guidance (see a copy here), I'd like to add to what I expressed there, and give some context.

Two sections are of particular interest to me:

Acts of worship following civil same sex weddings
21.  The same approach as commended in the 2005 statement should therefore apply to couples who enter same-sex marriage, on the assumption that any prayer will be accompanied by pastoral discussion of the church's teaching and their reasons for departing from it. Services of blessing should not be provided. Clergy should respond pastorally and sensitively in other ways.Clergy and ordinands
27.  The House is not, therefore, willing for those who are in a same sex marriage to be ordained to any of the three orders of ministry. In addition it considers that it would not be appropriate conduct for someone in holy orders to enter into a same sex marriage, given the need for clergy to model the Church's teaching in their lives.

When it comes to equality, unless we are capable of preaching a positive message, we are - in fact - preaching a negative one.  If you produce something that mentions that the LGBT community and/or their relationships are a deviation from the norm, it will be used to oppress people.

As a Church, surely we have to be sending out a message that affirms, includes & CELEBRATES our LGBT community - their gifts, talents, hopes & dreams & their desire to commit to loving same-sex partners that will benefit their local community & our faith communities.

Currently, the message being given out is that we endure or tolerate our LGBT members ... which is a negative message, not a positive one.  You tolerate or endure an illness or a mouth ulcer, not a human being.

What's more, if you send out a message of tolerating or enduring someone, you're encouraging them to see themselves as a burden, as somehow less worthy than other members of the community, thereby adding to issues of self-worth and mental health. I believe the Church should be affirming and blessing people, not making them feel inferior or imperfect.

Sadly, though, once again, we are being asked to create an "Us and them" mindset. We are being asked to make the LGBT people in our congregations feel inferior by discussing with them how they've departed from Church teaching.  There are those that can, by their nature, live within Church teaching, and those who now, simply because of who they are, can never comply with it.

There is no way that church can be a welcoming place, while the institution aims to highlight the reasons why you are departing from Church teaching, rather than celebrate your presence & your gifts.  In addition, this difference which we are being asked to highlight will, in effect, enable others to discriminate against LGBT church members.
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To illustrate, I'll share some of my experiences under "Issues in Human Sexuality".  "Issues" was a guide to facilitate discussion in the Church on sexuality.

In reality, many Diocesan bishops, Diocesan Directors of Ordination and clergy used it as ratification to enforce their own bigoted views, and discipline anyone who didn't comply.  It was treated as Canon Law, rather than a discussion document. 

           I came to faith at the age of 17, and - at the age of 18 - entered into full-time ministry as a Pioneer Youth Worker & missionary in disadvantaged rural communities in South Africa.  From there, I entered into employment as a full-time Youth Pastor in my home diocese, where I worked for 6 years, developing a ministry across the city and across the diocese; training youth pastors, and running regional youth camps and mission and evangelism initiatives in several local schools, and - together with non-denominational groups - ran programmes that ministered to thousands of young people across the city over the summer holiday period.  I ran teen groups, junior groups, toddler groups, young adult groups and student groups, ran training events for youth groups and youth pastors.

            At the same time, I was struggling with my own sexual identity, but was aware of the wretched “Issues in Human Sexuality” document, and so remained celibate and desperately lonely, and even subjected myself to 3 years of reparative therapy and support groups aimed at making me straight.  They were the 3 single most miserable years of my life, where I began to believe that I either didn’t have enough faith to change who I was, or didn’t matter enough to God to be granted a change.  I lost contact with my family (the group & counsellor’s advice was that I was gay by nurture, and that I needed to distance myself from those that had caused me to have this “broken identity”), and I remember sharing with a friend that the only reason I did not commit suicide, was because I believed the hell I found myself in was somehow better than the hell I would go to for being gay.

            By this stage, I was also juggling a Theology degree by distance learning, and the Diocese had ordained me to the diaconate, and I was serving my curacy.  At my lowest point, my training rector asked me to confide in him what was going on in my private life, and I shared what I was feeling, grateful to get it out in the open.

            What followed was a systematic breakdown of my private and professional life; I was subjected to him spreading rumours about me around the parish, trying to force me into a relationship with the parish youth worker and - when we both refused - he tried to force us to cohabit in the parish house, he had public notices about me pinned to external noticeboards, stating that I had strayed and needed to be disciplined.

            When I approached the Diocese for help, I was reminded that rank mattered more than integrity, & was told that - as the junior priest - I would need to be disciplined.  I was removed from post and given 3 weeks to vacate the parish house, with no post to go to.

            Thankfully, I had the opportunity to leave there, and move to the UK.  After 9 years of ministry in that Diocese, the only sentence in my reference stated that, “it has come to our attention that this priest is gay, but this has not proven a problem yet.”

            That, thankfully is behind me, and I’m at peace with myself, and my identity, and am able to see that I am exactly as God intended me to be.  However, I offer all of that, as evidence of how misused “Issues in Human Sexuality” could be.  My superiors in that Diocese saw no incongruence between scripture and the way that they were acting, and “Issues in Human Sexuality” gave them the permission they needed to act in that way, and do so boldly.
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I think the House of Bishops forgets how diverse the Church is, and how very differently authority, hierarchy, theology, exegesis and practical application are treated around the world.  I sincerely hope this is not the case, but there will probably be places where the new guidance is going to be used for a witch-hunt of LGBT clergy & parishioners.

In the same way that "Issues" gave bullies and bigots the permission they needed to oppress & punish people within their churches, the new "Pastoral" guidance will give them the permission they need to discipline and shame clergy.

LGBT Clergy often cannot safely engage in the debate about this matter, because being outspoken comes at a price to your career.  If you're not sidelined by your colleagues, you're overlooked for senior posts.  How can free and fair debate take place, when one side is allowed to be as outspoken as they wish, and the other fears for their careers, their families and their lives?

These are dangerous times for young LGBT Christians in many of our churches ... having been discredited and banned by professional psychotherapy & counselling bodies in the West, we're seeing an increase in courses in Reparative Therapy (and even Aversion therapy) being offered in churches across the world, where these harmful (& sometimes fatal) treatments can operate without regulation.

This is not a time where the Church can afford to be anything less than welcoming and affirming to the LGBT community.

If you have a voice, please do use it ... write to the Editor of the Church Times, or your faith / denomination newsletter.  For too long, people have been making decisions about the LGBT community without considering or consulting us.  That needs to stop for true communication and change to happen.

Equal Marriage bill in the house of Lords

Considering the Pink News headline that "Peers plan revolt against equal marriage bill as it goes to Lords", and calls from groups working for equality that we write to a peer to appeal to them support the bill, I decided, perhaps ambitiously, to write to Lord D Stoddart, as follows:

I write, as a gay man, as a Christian, as a member of the Church of
England Clergy, and as a proud citizen of the United Kingdom, regarding
the sensitive matter of equal marriage.

My partner and I have been together for five years, and love each other
deeply, and he proposed to me in November of 2011. He proposed that we
be married, not that we be Civil(ly) Partnered.  However, we quickly
discovered how deep the inequalities in society go.

Even though our love is sincere and we had a deep desire to commit to
each other for life, we are not allowed to do so, without seeking the
permission of any number of people who may object to that, for no other
reason than it offends them.

We cannot walk down the road holding hands, for fear of being pursued
and attacked ... something which, sadly, is on the increase, as some
feel - no doubt as a result of some of the deliberate scaremongering
and names used in the press about the Equal Marriage bill - that they
have the permission of the law of the land to ostracise and hate the
LGBT community.  This is made painfully clear in the attack on Chris
Bryant, MP.

We have to be extra careful when making travel arrangements, so that we
only pick venues that would be happy to have us stay, and not risk harm
or hatred when we're trying to relax away from work commitments.

We were joined together in a Civil Partnership in June of last year,
because we didn't want to wait an indeterminate amount of time for the
law to change.    If (dare I utter the word 'When'?) the law is changed,
it is our intention to convert our Civil Partnership to a marriage, as
that is how we view ourselves, and - frankly - how all our friends and
family view our relationship.

When the banns for our Civil Ceremony were published, no address
details could be published, as they are with straight couples, lest we
become victims of hate crime.

From the Church of England's perspective, before we could enter into a
Civil Partnership, I had to have a conversation with my Diocesan
Bishop, under the premise that we would only live together as
house-mates or platonic friends ... the Church of England officially
forbids us from having any kind of active sexual relationship (although
how they plan to police this is a mystery to all).

These are just the beginning when it comes to the inequalities faced by
us and many hundreds of thousands other gay couples.

Legally, there are plenty of other inequalities ...
My partner works for an airline, and is away from home and in another
country on average four days out of seven.  If something were to happen
to him while he was abroad, I would have no right to visit him in
hospital, or to access any information about him, should he be
incapable of speaking to me on the phone, merely because I am not his
legally recognised spouse.  This is true EVEN if we were to be
travelling together, and even if we were travelling in a country that
has Equal Marriage, because ours is not a recognised equal marriage,
but some in-between legal state.

I'm not sure if you're aware of the heartbreaking case of American Shane Bitney
Crone & his partner Tom Bridegroom, where Tom tragically died, and
Shane was forbidden by the hospital to access any information about
Tom, banned from seeing Tom, and where Tom's family were able to remove
possessions that belonged to the couple jointly and then banned Shane
from attending Tom's funeral.  There is a more detailed account of
their story at http://youtu.be/pR9gyloyOjM .

Add to this other inequalities that exist in our 'fair' society, such
as not being able to donate blood if you've had sex with someone of the
same gender within the twelve month period prior to donation (even if
that was exclusively with your long-term life partner), and it begins
to point out how little equality there is for the LGBT community, and
why we feel we're often regarded as second-class citizens.

Some who are against equal marriage are trying to paint this as merely
an attempt to avoid inheritance tax, which simply is not the truth.  We
want to be able to commit to the person we love, for life, the same as
everyone else, and not have a special term for it that identifies us as
different or 'less than'. We want to be protected in law, as
individuals and couples, in the same way that our straight brothers and
sisters are protected, and we want to be able to love our partners,
without fear of expulsion, attack or belittling.

With regard to the religious arguments against equal marriage ...
they're very emotive, but - and I say this as a member of the clergy
who deeply believes that religion has a role to play in blessing and
supporting committed relationships - is not relevant for the law of the
land.  Marriage was not invented by the Church, nor is it a purely
Biblical principle. It is something that is mentioned in the Bible, but
the context, the circumstances and the regulations surrounding it
change several times within the same book.  Some will argue that the
Old Testament manifestations of marriage (marrying widows as the spoils
or rewards of war, marrying slaves, marrying your brother's widow,
etc., etc..) are made irrelevant by the New Testament, but these same
people will then lean heavily on other Old Testament scriptures from
Leviticus & Deuteronomy, to condemn LGBT people, and ignore the fact
that the person of Jesus Christ was mute on gender orientation.

Our understanding of morality changes from area to area, age to age,
culture to culture, world view to world view and faith to faith.  I
believe that faith should be a support, a comfort & should bless
committed relationships, and support them in forming cohesive
communities.  If, however, a particular church or faith community felt
that they were unable to support same-sex couples in seeking that
community's blessing for their relationship, I can't see that that
would be a problem, as many churches currently will not remarry
divorcees, and are under no pressure to do so. Indeed, some churches
only marry members, and others still - members who are regular
attenders.  The idea that all faith communities will be forced to
conduct Equal Marriage ceremonies is merely an attempt at manipulating
the emotions of people to support the status quo, and keep the LGBT
community as second-class citizens, who have to love in private,
surrounded by an aire of suspicion and fear.

I do hope that you can see the hurt behind these words, and my
desperate hope that the law will be changed to allow us to be equals in
society, able to care for each other, able to love each other, and able
to provide for each other, without some people feeling they have the
right to forbid us from doing so, or hate us for doing so, because the
law encourages them to see us as different.

I also hope that you will lend your support to the bill, and encourage
you to get in touch if you have any questions.

With kind regards

As we're always asked to write personally, rather than just add our name to pre-prepared letters, I decided to try a personal and heartfelt approach.  Some of this may be clumsily written, but it is as it went out, so bear with me.

I received an instant automatic reply, which is strange, considering they themselves don't like instant, automated emails.  The reply came in the form of a .doc attachment (they didn't even have the decency to paste my name at the top ... reinforcing the message that we're second-class citizens), which simply said,

Re. your email

Lord Stoddart of Swindon will be supporting Lord Dear’s amendment to refuse a second reading to the Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Bill on 3^rd June.

I appeal to anyone in support of Equal Marriage to make sure that you write to someone in the House of Lords, and appeal to them to support the bill.  I shall now send my email to Lord Dear ... no harm ...

Some are MORE EQUAL than others

Regarding Equal Marriage, a friend of mine sent me this email:

Naturally I read lots of newspapers and it seems that with gay marriage, the reports are mainly on politicians opposing it. With so much opposition from people in positions of power, it seems unlikely to me that it will ever be legalised. This makes me worry that as I grow into middle and old age, we, as members of the gay community, will always be second class citizens. If the law doesn't give us equal rights to straight people, won't it act as a cue for society to regard us as "not quite as equal"? It's actually a scary thought to think that when I retire in the year 2056, the government will still regard me as "not quite as equal". It puts me in mind of George Orwell's 'Animal Farm' and that phrase that the pigs painted: "All animals are equal but some are more equal than others". It genuinely scares me. I don't even want to get married, but I do want to be acknowledged as being as equal as a homeless person, a homeowner, a CEO and the Royal Family. Is there anything I can do to fight for our cause?

Here's my reply:

It's true, but many people seem unaware that the LGBT community are being treated as second-class citizens. They seem to think that by letting us have 'almost' weddings and by not beating us up when we go out (as long as we're not TOO gay), or by treating us as a novelty, that they're doing their bit and that we're all good with that.

However, it's not all negative ... the anti lobby is very vocal, so it may seem that they hold the reigns, but the pro's are doing better than everyone seems to think. Like I've said in the past, tho' ... people who're against Equality and Equal Marriage can be as vocal as they wish, and it's seen as 'supporting their faith' or 'values', etc., but many who are pro Equality & Equal Marriage often can't speak out, because they're not out themselves, or because (in the case of clergy), doing so puts their head above the parapet and risks them going against their superiors, and potentially endangers future jobs.

I think it's crucial to remain engaged and to be sharing the truth with friends, family & colleagues. Information and education are key. Many people may think that Equal Marriage is wrong, because that's what they're hearing. Many people think that Civil Partnership is enough and offers the same as marriage, because that's what they're hearing. They need to be given the truth.

If u take a look at my youtube playlist http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NV-9EjzmpE0&feature=share&list=PLB169B8F471E38896 there are plenty of resources there (videos 6, 7 & 11 are ones I find I keep referring back to). If u share them or the information in them with the people around you, they can hear some of the truth about the inequality that exists.

The other thing about the struggle at the moment, is that politicians are too comfortable. Too many are claiming that they haven't heard from their LGBT constituents (why would they willingly identify themselves as such in the current climate?!) who want Equal Marriage, but they've heard from plenty of bigots that don't. So keep writing, phoning, emailing and encourage your friends & family to do the same, even if (ESPECIALLY IF) they're not LGB or T themselves (allies have enormous influence - and a safer platform to speak from).

And so, to all ... please, remain engaged & vocal, & share, share, SHARE

Why I BELIEVE FIRMLY in Equal Marriage ...

I was asked by a contact at the Portsmouth News to respond to some comments made about the government's Equal Marriage proposals (article here).  Here is the letter I sent. I don't know if it'll be used, but I wanted to include it in my blog, to keep the coversation going. Equality needs a voice.

Dear Sir / Madam

I am saddened by the response of many Christians and churches to the government’s consultation on Equal Marriage.  As an ordained member of the Church of England clergy, I stand wholeheartedly behind the Prime Minister’s stance on Equal Marriage.

My understanding of the proposal is that it will aim to allow loving same-sex couples to enter into loving, long-term, committed marriages, with the full legal protection that marriage offers.  No more of the strange terminology of attempting to say that someone is “civilly partnered” to someone else, and no more of the differentiation in society where a Civil Partnership is somehow less than a marriage.

If I could look at some of the arguments against Equal Marriage:

• Those who argue against Equal Marriage, stating that Civil Partnership is the legal equivalent of marriage, but with a different name, don’t understand the legal complexities and the differences between the two.  The fact is that Civil Partners don’t enjoy the same legal protection and provision as married couples.
• Those who state that Equal Marriage is against their faith, need to understand that it is against THEIR INTERPRETATION of their faith (or someone else’s interpretation passed along to them). There are other ways of reading Scripture, other ways of interpreting tradition, and other ways of being Christian. The existence of the Lesbian & Gay Christian Movement, Accepting Evangelicals, Two:23, Courage UK, Inclusive Church and other groups in the UK – not to mention International groups are evidence of that.
  I also really struggle with people of faith, who state that they accept the LGBT community, but then label their loving relationships as a perversion of family values, with catastrophic consequences for the future.  In statements like that, it won’t be the message of acceptance that the LGBT community hears, and it certainly won’t instill (& hasn’t instilled-) in them the desire to explore faith.
• Those who try to panic people into believing that the proposed changes will result in churches being forced to conduct same-sex marriages have either not read – or not understood – the proposals, and haven’t looked at history.
  There are churches the whole world over that won’t perform marriage ceremonies for people who are divorced, as a matter of conscience.  They have the freedom to do so, and the divorced couples seek another church. This matter is no different.  The consultation was simply looking at whether or not some faith communities should be allowed to opt in, if they wish, the same way some choose to remarry divorcees.
• Finally, I struggle with those that play the numbers game; that state that the LGBT community should not be allowed Equal Marriage, because they are in the minority? I thought the purpose of Equality legislation was precisely to protect minority groups.  The majority already have a voice, and already enjoy a privileged place in society by virtue of being the majority. We should be concerned with ensuring that minority groups are treated as equal, and allowed to be full, contributing, equal & fully human members of society.

It is because of my faith that I strongly believe in extending marriage to same sex couples, in order to affirm in them the possibility of knowing the fullness of love and expressing that to each other and their community.  To me, that’s more in line with my faith and the love of God, than any message of exclusion could be.

I also firmly believe that Equal Marriage will strengthen our communities and our families, and make sure that those families that are currently viewed as inferior & hidden, are able to flourish.

With kind regards

Agents against change ...

While we're on the topic of tiring of people who want to oppress the LGBT community & keep them separate & make sure they can't live openly, honestly and freely as committed & married couples in society, I tire of their nonsensical arguments.

When they can't appeal to reason & open communication, they resort to scaremongering, such as saying the LGBT community is going to cause a breakdown in the moral fibre of society, they will be harvesting straight couples' children for the gay cause, somehow allowing two people to marry will result in people wanting to marry animals, etc., etc..  With these points they merely show themselves to be fools.

When they can't scare people into following their points of view, they resort to trying to convince people that the LGBT community is not deserving of equality, because they are somehow not whole people ... they are not created in God's image, they are sexual deviants who should be shown (or trained) how to be 'normal', they are a result of a broken world and should be pitied but not equal.  With these arguments they just show themselves to be bigots, wanting to get people to side with them, because they're somehow superior (ie. school bully mentality).

If that doesn't work, then they resort to the argument that the LGBT community has never had equality before, and things have been ok, so why change now?  We've never had equal marriage before, so why introduce it now?  Of course, if this argument had been successful with other equality issues in the past, we wouldn't have women in the workplace, mixed marriages, the disability discrimination act and we'd still have slavery.  This is never a good argument against change and just shows them to be irrational and bigoted.

On BBC Breakfast this morning, MP Peter Bone claimed that Equal Marriage should not be introduced, because it wasn't in the Conservative Party Manifesto (appealing to the 'Why introduce change now' method of reasoning).  I'd like to address this fallacy.  It was indeed in the Conservative Party Manifesto 2010 - A Contract for Equalities (page 14), where it states:

We support civil partnerships and will
recognise civil partnerships in the tax system.
our plans to end the couple penalty in the
tax credits system and to introduce a new
system of flexible parental leave will apply
to all couples, regardless of whether they are
heterosexual or same sex couples.
We will also consider the case for changing the
law to allow civil partnerships to be called and
classified as marriage.

It was also covered by the press (see Pink News article here), so can't have been a surprise.

However, this has already been covered with Peter Bone by the LGBTory group (covered in this article by Pink News).  This seems to show another strategy that those against Equal Marriage attempt to employ ... they ignore the evidence, and keep making their claims, in the hope that saying it often enough will convince people of it's truth.

They're running out of reasons to oppress ... I'll be interested to see what comes up next.