Monday, 23 July 2007

Free gifts?!

I got into work this morning, to discover some 'kind' soul had sent me a free book. My own view is that items that are given to you for free are often worth the money you paid for them, and that people who give you free books are generally the type of people who believe that they have something worth saying, not necessarily the type of people who actually have something worth saying.

Well ... the book came in an unmarked envelope, with no return address, no letter ... nothing. We're off to a winning start. Then I opened the envelope, and discovered a book, titled, "Heaven. Close Encounters of the God kind," by Dr. Jesse Duplantis. Oh good ... someone sent me a comedy.

I took the book to a colleage, and we sat reading it, discovering it to indeed be a comedy ... we laughed so much, I couldn't speak and she was practically on the floor.

It's hilarious. Naturally, he's from the deep South, and naturally, whenever he sees God or goes to Heaven, there's never anyone else there to see it. But, there are some interesting undercurrents ... he's always visited by male figures, who are always tall and handsome and powerful, and often blonde, and a lot of the visitations happen at night. I think therein may lie some of the real reason for all his visions. A good laugh. LOL!

I'll put a few of the best opening snippets here.
"Popcorn Came Flying Out of That Steering Wheel!"
Now it's an amazing thing the way God knows how to prove things. As the car flipped over, and the steering wheel broke in my hand, up out of that steering wheel, I saw popcorn coming! Then, Bam! That popcorn started hitting me! I said, "Ohhh, look at this popcorn," just flipping.
When I came to a stop, I tried to get out of the vehicle as best I could, but I was jammed inside it, hanging upside-down. Thank God there wasn't a fire during that wreck. I could have been burned alive!
People stopped to help.
The car had to be cut open with a welding torch before I could be pulled free from it. Then I was put into an ambulance and rushed to hospital.
I kept hollering, "There was popcorn in there! Popcorn!" I said, "Listen! Somebody grabbed me! Somebody's hand was on my shoulder! I would have died otherwise. I was flying."
My mom and dad were called from the hospital. When I got on the phone, I said, "Mama, I've been in this accident."
Amazingly, she had driven right by that accident, but she didn't know I was in the ambulance she saw going the other way. She had said to my dad, "There was a terrible accident. Let's pray to God no one died."
After finding out I was okay, she asked, "Did you feel anything in that car?"
I said, "Mama, popcorn came flying out of the steering wheel!"
That went right over her head, and she said, "Besides that."
"Mama, I felt like somebody had grabbed my shoulder."
Immediately she said, "That was the tidal wave of the blood covenant in the dream I had the other night! God was protecting you! He was holding you down in that car so you wouldn't die and go to hell! You had better thank God that I'm praying for you, boy!"

We were just about wetting ourselves. Who is this guy? Can someone from the Beeb interview him about that popcorn? Whatever substance he's on, I want some ... popcorn coming out the steering wheel ... brilliant!!
Or, how about this snippet ... he was asked to stop in at hospital in Lafayette, Louisiana, to pray for a guy's daughter, and he drove there from Monroe, Louisiana (oh yeah ... did I mention he's from the South in the States? Figures ... LOL!) ... a distance of about 180 miles.
I Had Been Translated!Then I started thinking about my trip, trying to figure out what happened. There I was in Lafayette! You can't get from Monroe, Louisiana, to Lafayette, Louisiana, in only thirty minutes. It can hardly be done by jet, much less by car.
"Listen, brother," I said, "I'll see you later. I've got to go."
He was crying, "Thank you, Brother Jesse!" (I found out afterward that he checked his little girl out of the hospital two hours later.)
Then it began to register on me what had happened, so I called my wife. I had talked with her right before I left my friend's office in Monroe. This time she said to me, "Hey, where are you?"
"Cathy, I'm at a pay phone in Lafayette. Look at your watch."
Then she said, "You really made good time, honey. Well, hurry on home."
I wanted to scream, "Listen, woman, and hear what I'm saying!" Then I wanted God to zap me again, so that before she could even hang up the phone, I would be home. (But He didn't do it!)
When it dawned on me that I had been translated, I thought, If I've been translated, then I didn't burn any gas. When I turned on the ignition switch, I watched as the fuel gauge went all the way to full! I just cried out, "Oh God!"
I wonder if this is a viable way of lowering our carbon footprint?
It's amazing, isn't it, how this guy is translated, visits heaven, speaks to God, has God visit him in his bedroom at night, but never with any eye-witnesses. He is yet another self-proclaimed prophet, claiming that his writing and account is valid, because he says it's valid.
He does repeatedly get to see really tall, handsome, blonde men, though. In fact, there's a lot of mention of men visiting him, and speaking about wonder and desire. I wonder if there's some message in that.
LOL ... so thank you to whomever sent me the book. I haven't laughed that much in a while.

1 comment:

  1. "he's always visited by male figures, who are always tall and handsome and powerful, and often blonde, and a lot of the visitations happen at night."

    Sounds like heaven to me!

    Cheers for the giggle on a horrible damp day just down the south coast.